luified:the luiboi experience

Thursday, March 17, 2005

its quite hard and confusing to be happy and miserable at the same time.this post is still about the certain girl that i've been mentioning recently.this girl has infected me with a severe case (even terminal to some extent) of heart poisoning.i may be exagerrating but its just that i can't get rid of her in my system.she's in my mind and obviously holds a major part of my heart.she's like a drug that i keep on longing for each day.she's like a spider and im already caught up in her web.in other words,i've already fallen deeply in love with her.

i know you can't possibly fall in love overnight and i didn't.i've already known her for years already,my whole college life to be exact.i've known her for years and its just now that i realize that she means something to me.its just that i want to be sure when it comes to things like this.i dont want to tell her that i love her when i actually don't.i just made it sure to myself that what im feelin' for her is true,that what im feelin' is not just the flavor of the month,im not that type of guy.im the type of guy who mean what he says.if i tell you that i love,i really do love you.i guess its also the reason why im miserable right now...its too late.

i still remember the first time she entered the room,she has already caught my attention right from the very start.i was caught in awe coz she was simply beautiful,in other words i immediately got a crush on her.she was like the girl of my dreams personified.she has all the qualities that i'm lookin' for in a girl.problem was,i was in a realtionship back then and i just ignored any possible feelings i may had for her back then.a stupid decision as how a lot of friends would describe what i did.days went by and i treated her like how i would treat my other friends.

fast forward to the present day...she's no longer free and obviously there's a minimal chance that we would ever be together.i do love her now but what for?she's already committed.damn!i really feel sorry for myself.damn!how stupid can i get?!im regretting that i could have love her back then but i couldn't.i do love her now but she's already committed.may be its clear and simple that we would no longer be but then again i'm not yet giving up my hopes just yet.im still hoping and praying that God would grant me the oppurtunity to be with her and love her.

but that doesn't mean i couldn't love her right?its not wrong to love somebody who's already committed right?i may love her but only to some extent and that's what pains me.im in pain for not being able to love her with my all though i wish i could.it pains me to hold back but if i don't i'd end up getting hurt more.it pains me not to expect anything in return but obviosly i really shoudn't.

i bet you don't want to be in my shoes right now.i can't even clearly described what im in right now.im happy but in the back of my head miserable.i want to be with her all the time but i couldn't.i wish i could treat her the way i wish i could but i cannot.if i could only turn back the hands of time i would but then again,i couldn't.i love her but i couldn't force her to love me back the way i love her.when im with her, i want to treat her the way i wish i could,you know treat her like my girl but the again,i couldn't.i wish i could use my mind to think of possible solutions to my problem but i can't coz i would only make decisions that would put me in more pain.all i could do are to pray and to rely on my heart that the only right thing to do is to continue loving her and hope.i admit,im already blinded by this love.

i don't intend on ruining their relationship but im still desperately hoping that we could still be together.the only question is when?we couldn't then and obviously we couldn't more now.God only knows if we could still end up together in the future.

all i'll be doin' right now is to continously wait and pray and love her in my own special way.

in the words of mr.hitch;"i jump because god would let me fly and not fall like a rock.now here i am falling,hoping you'd help me fly..."

damn.sucks to be me.

I sent an S.O.S tonight